I Can’t Fix Everything

I have come to realize one of my biggest flaws. I run. I have lost so many friends in my life because I wasn’t enough, that my first instinct when I start to become close to someone is to run, to stop the friendship so that I don’t get hurt and so that they aren’t trapped with someone who isn’t good enough for them.

My self esteem level is pretty bad, and while it’s been better for the most part, some aspects of college life have messed it up again. And that is why I came to this realization.

A few days ago, I hurt someone I cared about. For multiple reasons, I felt like it was God’s will, I didn’t want them to be stuck with me in their life, and because I thought it would be best for both of us. But the truth is, my biggest reason for doing it was because I was scared. Scared to be hurt again, scared to experience the pain of being abandoned again, scared that someday I wouldn’t be enough, just like every time before.

And in doing so, I created a self-fulfilling prophecy. My fear of losing this person was so great, that I actually lost them because of it. I haven’t spoken to them in a few days, and I’m pretty sure it won’t be happening for a while. I never realized how much I depended on this person until now. I guess the saying is true: You never know what you have until it’s gone”.

I’m not doing well. I am emotionally drained, physically exhausted, and on the verge of getting sick. I keep going back over what I said, and wondering why I said what I said. I keep questioning how well they seemed to take it, and wondering what they are feeling.

I have been getting my relationship with God back on track, and that has been my biggest comfort. Spending time in His word is probably the only thing keeping me from driving myself crazy. I have friends praying for me, and I am in constant prayer for the person I hurt, but it doesn’t change the fact that I have to remind myself that I can’t fix everything.

I know that if I keep running in every relationship, both current and future, it’s not going to end well. I know that only God can help me conquer my fears. But it’s actually letting Him do it that’s the problem.

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